Being true to one's self is more painstaking than many realize. On the surface, it sounds simple, so obvious, as if it's a given. Yet, many there are who continue to cast blame -- another person, fate, bad luck, God, or the devil -- denying responsibility for the content and quality of their own lives. How many gaze despondantly into the vast nothingness of a mental blank spot, rehersing their lists of "what if's, why me's, and if only's..." Some I have known seem to think being true to themselves entails self-seeking, following every whimsical desire and emotion, without regard for those about them. Yet, their relationships are failing, job performances often compromised, and they live with steady undertones of nagging irritability and uneasiness -- which are also blamed on others. They are often resentful, finding it difficult to trust in goodness and to give freely of themselves. Though exuberant just after the attainment of their latest fancy, soon the newness begins to wane and these lonely souls are once again left isolated within the discontent of their own making.

To be true to myself involves a self-honesty much deeper than the mere absence of falsehood and theft. It is a scrupulousness which questions my motive and expectations. Integrity requires that I confront my fears and swallow my pride, learning to see myself as others see me, owning up to my actions rather than clinging to the crutch of my intentions. I may be quite generous, claiming to expect nothing in return. Yet, if I secretly find myself with twinges of anger, I have successfully decieved myself. While it may not be an actual favor I am expecting in return, I am at least desiring a particular response.

Self-honesty is a process of over-coming both sides of false-pride: the easily recognizable arrogance and sense of being somewhat superior, and the often over-looked feelings of inadequacy and somehow having been created amiss. Believing myself to be less than another, not good enough, or inacapable is the flip-side of pride's deceptive coin. It is an inner voice which feeds on constant comparisons, evaluating my inner thoughts and feelings in contrast to my perception of another's outward appearances, then places my self-worth according to my distorted conclusions. Thinking myself to be not as good as someone else is just as much a reflection of false pride and self-centeredness as elevating myself above another. We truly are all created equal, yet unequally individual. As personalized expressions of God, each is just as unworthy of the credit for our brilliance, every one of just as capable of fulfilling our own personal gifts, and each one independantly responsible for the consequences of our choices.

Being true to myself affords me the luxury of going to sleep at night with a clear conscience -- feeling clean inside, knowing I did my best that day, and not harboring resentment. To attain this ease and comfort, I must know which of my own attitudes and actions causes me internal unrest, refusing to give way to those natural human instincts of emotional reactions and condemnations, which later make me feel badly about myself and others. This is the only true freedom I have found, but many will not choose the highest gift, for it bears the greatest price tag: keeping selfishness and expectations of others in check, admitting when I am wrong, and eliminating "luck and coincidence" from my vocabulary. It is a truth which forbids any form of blame and self-pity. For what is blame but a morbidly-comforting sense of self-pity nourished by a claim to victimization? It is a way to relinquish accountability for one's own emotional well-being, while creating the irresponsibility of helplessness.

While there certainly are many instances in life beyond my control, taking place without my consent, it always remains within my God-given power to choose my attitude. I can fight, deny, resist, and fear that which I do not approve of nor understand, refusing the gift because I do not like the package. I can also choose to welcome each experience as my teacher, learning the lessons of faith, trust, and fortitude which will uphold me through future distress with dignity and grace. Self-resepct is my creation, and a priceless possession, indeed.

I did not choose to have lupus, but I do choose to be happy. I did not choose the limitations lupus places on living, but I do choose to enjoy my life, just as it is today, and to be grateful for all the marvelous gifts and wonders which surround me. Gratitude is an action much more often than a feeling. I therefore do and say and be all that I can to express my gratitude for the life, family, friends, and material possessions which God has so lovingly given to me. Regardless of the unpleasant things in my life which I cannot change, ultimatley I am still responsible for my own well-being and contentment -- or my instability and unhappiness. The bottom line is simply this: For good or bad, my life is my fault.

Thank You For Visiting...


ImageQuest �
Argentinum

Turn the page to

Self-Respect

Table of Contents