"Tequila Sunrise" ~The Eagles
Self-Acceptance
True self-acceptance is probably one of the most difficult struggles we face, but it is absolutely imperative to the attainment of personal fulfillment and serenity. Most of us spend our lives fighting our way to the top of the heap, only to feel crushed beneath the inferiorities we perceive through comparing ourselves to others. Then, after licking our wounds with sufficient resentment and self-pity, again we are determined to rise above our fellows. The problem being that we attempt to somehow be better than another, rather than striving to be better than who we, ourselves, presently are. Comparison is a deadly mistake we all make, which can afford us nothing but heartache. We were not created to be in competition, but to live in unity, complimenting each other, working to encourage and help one another to be the best we can be. The first idea you must eliminate from your thinking is that competition exists... it does not!
Let me tell you now that to gain anything new from these pages, you must be willing to read with an open-mind ~ willing to explore and accept new ways of thinking. If you enter with a narrow and closed mind, then you are not willing to change. As long as you reisit change, you create misery for yourself and thereby forfeit personal growth, fulfillment, and inner peace. The choice is yours.
In order for competition to exist, there would be little or no individuality. We all
would be capable of accomlishing the same purposes in the world, filling the same roles, and expressing the same creations. This is not so. Each of us are as unique as our finger prints, and just as individual in specific purpose. The problem most of us run into is "finding" our true place. The gifts which were planted within us at birth belong solely to each person, and not a one of us can have nor fulfill another's true place and divine inheritence. Whatever you may have lost or failed to attain thus far was not really yours to keep. It served its purpose in your life, to instruct you and lead you further down your path, but it was never meant to belong to you. What is yours, by divine right, cannot be taken from you, and neither can you hold onto anything that isn't yours. Whether it be relationship or finance, this truth holds firm. You never again need to fear that another will "steal" anything from you! If it is truly yours, no one else can fill your shoes. Once you understand this spiritual law, you will never again feel the need to compete with another.
The only way out of this type of thought-error is to focus your attention on your own character and contributions... not anyone else's. Far too often, we are self-centered, which by paradox, causes us to keep our focus on all those around us... blaming, judging, comparing, critisizing, or worshipping. This thinking is self-centered, for what we are actually doing is either excusing or executing ourselves through our perceptions of others. In this respect, we attempt to either comfort, justify, or give ourselves reason to be failures, without ever having to face our flaws with honesty and accountablity. These are topics we will look at later.
To begin your journey towards self-acceptance, make a commitment to yourself to
apply these simple tools to your daily routine:
Building Self-Esteem
Got your note book? First, make a list of all the things you dislike about yourself: physical traits as well as personal characteristics. Your list might look something like this:
- I have ugly hands
- I have silly looking legs
- My hair is too thin (or thick)
- My nose is too big
- I never know what to say to others
- I always make a fool of myself
That gives you a general idea of what you need to look at. This is self-talk: the way you truly view yourself. Self-talk can be one of the most beneficial or damaging tools we employ. It is something we cannot escape, and must therefore learn to use it properly... to our advantage. One important rule to keep in mind with spiritual principles ~ the deck is always stacked... so you might as well stack it in your favor!
The next list you need to make is the opposite of the first. Use the initial list to create its counterpart. I will use the example list above to show you how it's done:
- I LOVE my beautiful hands! I am grateful that I have hands to hold, touch, help, and love others.
- My legs are wonderful! I am grateful to have legs which enable me to get things done, or to simply take a leisurely stroll on a quiet evening.
- I LOVE my gorgeous hair! I would not be "me" without it.
- I LOVE my special nose! It makes me uniquely "me"!
- I have a special gift for ALWAYS knowing the right things to say!
- I ENJOY being myself! I am a perfect expression of God!
You then need to take your revised list and commit to reading it aloud to yourself every morning... and you must read it with meaning and emphasis! Yes, you will feel like a fake, and you won't sincerely mean it in the beginning. This is insignificant. Just know that it won't be the first time you've faked something! And yet, this time you are doing so for a constructive purpose. Every positive has its equal and opposite negative, and visa versa. How we use or mis-use a principle is what makes the difference.
Denial can be a harmful form of avoiding responsibility, or it can be applied as "faith". "Acting as if..." can be a healthy action when used appropriately, or it can be a hurtful deception. Each and every one of our character flaws are actually God-given assets which we have mis-used or taken to an extreme, thereby turning our virtues into vices. We are not responsible for our "internal" emotional responses, yet we are accountable for our actions, motives, and attitudes.
The next writing expodition I would ask you to embark on is putting on paper what these three areas of life "honestly" mean to you:
- Human Relationships
- Sex
- Finances
Once you have done this, go back and read it aloud to yourself. What you are looking for is "Self-worth". How do each of these aspects of life affect your feelings of worth? Are you somehow basing your adequacy on these, or the lack of these? Do you, for example, feel unlovable and wonder what is wrong with you when you face rejection? Do you, as another example, seek out sexual partners as a means of assuring yourself that you are desireable and attractive? And does a failed attempt at intimacy cause you to feel either self-loathing or a sense of self-righteous indignation towards the other party? Or perhaps towards a third party, whom you blame for the failed relationship? Do you somehow feel that you aren't as good as someone who has more money or property than you? Take note: this may express itself in a form of critisism, such as, "She just thinks she is SO much better than me just because she has more money than I do! I can't stand her!" Unless that person has come up to your face and plainly said, "I think I am better than you because I have more money", then you DO NOT know what that person thinks! We are not mind-readers and the sooner you give up your magic act, the better off you'll be! Take the focus off of the faults and advantages of others and train yourself to focus on eliminating your own liabilites and enhancing your assets.
Remember to:
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS
- TEND YOUR OWN GARDEN
- KEEP YOUR OWN HOUSE CLEAN
We all must learn to stop focusing on what needs to be changed outside ourlseves and put the spot light on the one and only thing we have the power to change... oursleves! The next time you critise yourself or someone else, try to remember this basic truth: "When you complain about yourself or another, you are complaining about God's handiwork... saying, in effect, that you know better than God!"
Each night, before you retire, sit down and take stock of your business. With pen and paper, write down all the things you feel badly about, or what you believe you might have done better (liabilities). Then quickly follow this spot-check by a list of all you did right! (assets) Make a note of the actions or attitudes which you are pleased with in yourself, as well as those you feel badly about. Remember, life is a business, and every successful business takes regular inventory, discovering what can be put to better use and that which should be thrown out. Every Balance Sheet must list both liabilities and assets. The goal of the venture is to eliminate as many liabilties as possible and strive to acquire greater assets. This is the well-recognized formula for financial success, yet it is a spiritual principle, which means it applies to every area of life.
Upon awakening, make time to sit alone and be quiet. It may be helpful to read inspirational literature of some kind, to pray, or to simply focus your thoughts on something enjoyable. After a few such moments, again take out your notebook and briefly make a list of your prorities for that day. Put them in order of importance, so that if you do not get them all accomplished, the most pressing ones will at least be taken care of. Once you are satisfied with this list, turn the page and ask yourself how you might better handle a certain situation today which was on your list the night before. Don't over-load yourself and try to change everything all at once! That will only lead to frustration and failure. It is much better to focus on one or two areas a day which need improvement, such as maybe patience and tolerance, or self-acceptance and dignity. As you proceed with this plan of action, you will learn to more easily recognize your more glaring defects and those character flaws which cause you the greatest discomfort.
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